CHRISTIAN FOUNDATIONS FOR MARRIAGE

by DearestChristian - For christian singles moving on to marriage  

Leaving and Cleaving Part 1

Introduction

Gen 2:18 It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helpmeet for him.
Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (NKJV)

These verses are reiterated in the New Testament. Jesus, quoted Gen. 2:24 to the Pharisees in Matt 19:5 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Leaving and cleaving lay the foundation for family life and intimacy in marriage. Without them our marriage relationship is unstable and at risk.

Matt 7:24 - Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock.

A GOOD MARRIAGE IS A MATTER OF WISDOM - NOT LUCK, Leaving and Cleaving
is God's wisdom for your marriage.

I. The Principle of Leaving

A. Understanding the concept of leaving

1. Azab (Hebrew): to leave, loose, forsake. We must loosen or relinquish that priority position of commitment and devotion previously given to parents in order to give that position to the spouse.

2. Marriage requires releasing parents and all others including children (except Jesus) into a lower priority than our spouse.

3. If we did not leave all other relationships emotionally and psychologically, we will not be able to cleave to our spouse totally.

B. Understanding the importance of leaving and cleaving

1. "Leave" and "cleave" stresses the necessity of radical change in one's pre-eminent loyalty - a husband is to transfer to his wife the primary familial loyalty.

2. The responsibility is on the husband in the first place to give pre-eminence to his wife because a wife's sense of security comes from being bonded to her husband.

3. God designed marriage to operate as the most important relationship in our lives. Children being a blessing from God cannot be more important than husband-wife relationship.

4. When a husband cleaves to his wife it is less likely that a wife will be seeking to find her fulfillment in her relationship with her children.

II.The Principle of Cleaving

A. Understanding the problems and challenges of cleaving

1. Dabaq (Hebrew): to cling, cleave, keep close - 'glue'. Sense of royalty and affection. Kollao (Greek): to join fast together, to glue, cement.

2. Cleaving means to bond as husband and wife. It is the degree of healthy togetherness and intimacy in the marriage.

3. Intimacy in marriage cannot develop or be maintained without the understanding of leaving and cleaving.

4. Intimacy requires:

a. Time - both quantity and quality

b. The marriage relationship is the primary focus of attention and emotional energy.

c. Regular communication.

d. Exposure of inner thoughts and feelings

e. Sharing heart to heart

This will only happen when a safe relationship has developed as a result of leaving and cleaving.

5. When a husband's mother poses a problem (particularly her marriage is not meeting her needs or if her son is an only child), the husband must have a loving, but frank talk with his mother. He must make it clear that his wife comes first in his affections and that his mother must respect his wife's position in his life.

6. If the wife's mother is a problem (usually associated with the birth of the first child), then the wife must have a similar talk with her mother.

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B. How to establish and maintain RIGHT priorities.

1. Common pattern of marriages:

a. Man puts career/job in higher priority than wife.

b. Woman puts children in higher priority than husband.

2. More stress in today's culture:

a. Both work and have own careers.

b. More activities, responsibilities, stress/ pressures, and demands on time.

3. Priorities must place family over non-family and people over things.

4. Priorities must be proven in real terms, not just words.

- Talk is cheap!

- Actions speak louder than words!

5. Priorities must be diligently maintained

- Desires - friends - hobbies - activities

- If you have to give up something, do it, but not give up your marriage.

6. Guard your marriage. Learn to confide with spouse and do not share marital conflicts with colleague/ friends of opposite sex.

C. Tips on maintaining a quality relationship in the midst of a busy and demanding life.

1. Make an undisturbed time to be together each day.

2. Have regular weekend getaway together, preferably without children.

3. Lower your expectations for the material things of life.

4. Set parameters on your work life, career advancement, etc.

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